the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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