Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
did i walk over a car last night?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize