If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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