I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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