i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
