see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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