I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
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