If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
