She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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