Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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