I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
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