I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
no you cant smoke seaweed
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
