You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
