i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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