I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize