I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
