shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
