Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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