Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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