At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
My vagina is officially offended.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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