Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
