Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Just pee around me
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
