First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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