He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
