yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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