I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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