I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
