Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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