Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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