woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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