He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
