a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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