yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
This is the prime rib incident all over again
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
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