yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
