4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
