The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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