I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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