Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
