It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
