I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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