I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
