she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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