I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Randomize