I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
This is my gift to your gina
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
