my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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