I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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