halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
