I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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