I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
