Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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