I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
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