I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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