Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
