I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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