i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
