my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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