mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
