Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
