Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
