He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize