ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
