I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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