I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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