Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
