She is in my trunk
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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