I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
