My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize