Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
